One of the things that I wish I could do more than anything else, is to understand what is going on in my darling girl's head. To know what she is thinking and what she is afraid of and what she is missing from her previous life would be priceless. She has done SO WELL with her adjustment. Much better than I even dreamed she would. But she is still grieving her loss. For the past two weeks she's been especially testing us. Being disobedient to test us. Test our love for her maybe? I don't know for sure. She has also, for the first time since coming home, awakened in the night. The first night, I could hear her crying (we have a monitor--PRAISE GOD FOR MONITORS!), and I ran in there. She had tinkled in her pants just a TINY little bit, and she was crying uncontrollably. You know the kind where you can't catch your breath. I went in and scooped her out of bed, and she clung to me!! She said she had to go to the potty (Neow Neow), and so I took her. I then held her and told I loved her and that it was okay. It was okay if she had to go potty or that she tinkled in her pants. That morning she woke up and all day long she would repeat to me that she was crying and that she had to go potty and that it was "O'Tay". She has awakened 2 more times during the night with the same scenario.
On Tuesday of this week, we were headed home and she started talking about McDonald's. We have only taken her to McDonald's ONE time and that was when we were in China, but she ALWAYS points out the McDonald's when we pass any of them. In her photo album from the orphanage there are pictures of her at a McDonald's. I'm SURE she remembers this fun time with those she trusted and loved. Soon after talking about McDonald's she started to cry uncontrollably. With tears just streaming down her face. My other children were crying too, because it was so, so, sad!! She cried for about 10-15 min. (we were in traffic heading home) before we reached home. As soon as I could, I grabbed her and held her and told I her I loved her and that it was okay. She could not verbalize to me how she was feeling, but I have a feeling of how she was feeling.
Last night I put pull-ups on her for "just in case". She woke up last night crying. This time she had not tinkled in her pants and her pants were dry. I took her to the bathroom and then took her back to her room and held and told her I loved her and that I was here for her. As I went back to bed after she had snuggled back under her covers, I felt such a heaviness for her. I wish there was a way I could shoulder some of the pain that she is feeling. I love my darling girl to the very depth of my being. I understand her pain and know that it is not something to just shoosh under the rug. That it is very real. And it's "O'Tay" for her to feel this way. I liken it to experiences I've had in my own life. When I was 19, I lost a cat that I dearly loved. I cried for that kitty for YEARS. When I was 29 I lost a dear cousin of mine--the same age as me. And to this day I still mourn the loss of her. Karleigh Mei has gone through the same kind of pain. She may be JUST now realizing that she will probably NEVER see the people she loved in China again.
Please be praying for my girl. Pray that she can feel or understand that the one thing that she has NOT lost is the comfort of God the Father, whom she has ALWAYS had. He has been her ONE constant in her whole life. He formed her precious little body and KEPT His hand on her through her birth and will keep His hand on her forevermore! My prayer is that she learns this truth early on, and that she CLINGS to Him. It's the one thing she will never have to be without....it's the one thing that will never change.
Oh my darling girl....how I love her!
