Lexie's Esther

Sometimes I am just so terribly humbled at how the Lord uses us. But when He uses our own kids...it just fills my heart in such a way I can't describe. I think it's a Heavenly emotion. 


Without trying to explain more, this post is straight from Lexie's blog. Please read it and if YOU are Esther's mama or daddy, please contact her and she'll get you directed to the right person!


i carry you in my heart.

when somebody comes home from a mission trip you often hear them speak of, "my kids"--the kids at the orphanages, or other various ministries that he/she falls in love with. 


when i first heard people say this i would think very judgmentally, "how can she call it 'her kid'. she wasn't even with 'her kid' for but a few days...maybe weeks!" 


after my mission trip in '09 i refrained from using that phrase. yes, there were children that i had fallen in love with, children i had connected with. but for some reason i thought it silly to speak such strong words..."my kids." 


after my last trip to Uganda [about a month and a half ago], i had a moment of realization...an "ahh ha!" moment if you will... 


if these people coming home from mission trips do not speak about these children...do not say, "my kiddo did this!", "my little guy accepted christ!!" "heres a picture of me and my girl!"
....who will? who will acknowledge her and speak so proudly of her?? who will remember him for a life time?? 


which brings me to....my esther :) 


if you've been following my blog(s) for awhile you've probably heard me talk about esther. i first met her in '09. and wrote about her here. 

back in '09 she was a very sick little girl. i'll never forget the way all of her little ribs felt as i ran my fingers down her chest. she couldn't have weighed more than 12 lbs [at approx 2 years old]. she was tiny.


for the past two years i have thought about her, told others about her, and googled "adopting esther from [name of her orphanage]" in hopes that i'd find the blog of a family adopting her. i dreamed of stumbling upon a blog of a very sweet looking family and finding that they were adopting this sweet girl. i wanted nothing more than for her to have a family. there were rumors that she might be adopted. but i never heard anything more. 


i'll never forget that big, beautiful smile. and those eyes that spoke, love me! 

as my second trip to uganda approached i asked around, "is esther still at [her orphanage]?? she was a small malnourished baby, she had a smile that lit up the room, etc." 


each time people would tell me, "well, there is a baby there named esther. but she doesn't fit that description." 


fast forward to the first day back in uganda. we ran down to the baby home that night and i asked around for esther. her face was etched onto my heart and i just knew that if i could see the face of this esther i would know right away if she was the esther. if i could just see her smile then i would know. 


i was pointed in the direction of the only esther at that baby home. except, she was hardly a baby. she was the biggest child there at that orphanage! as i walked up closer to her i knew. she was the esther i had been praying and dreaming of for two years. she had the same nose, the same big eyes, the same ears, the same hairline even... just to be sure i asked a mama, "is this the only esther y'all have had here? i was here two years ago and she was very sick and TINY...??" she raised her eyebrows and said, "yes...thats her!" 


but there was something wrong. as i reached down to tickle her little toes she kicked at me and grunted. i tried to sooth her by gently touching her forhead...and she more adamantly pushed me away. i tried to make her giggle...so i could see that smile...and she would hardly look me in the eye. 


my heart broke for this precious child. she had so much potential when i met her in '09. she still had a sparkle in her eyes. and now, due to abuse, malnutrition and years in an orphanage, there was hardly any human emotion coming out of her. she was just a shell of the esther that i remembered. 


we tried to go down to the baby home every morning and evening. each time i scooped esther up, i would look her in the eyes and search for the esther that i knew was in there. she would push at my face and i'd hold her hands and have her touch my face and say, "gentle...gentle". 


it was around the 3rd day, while laying her down in her crib, that i saw hersmile. the smile that i so clearly remembered. i, of course, scooped her right back up and hugged her and kissed her all over. she in return gave her famous "esther hugs". the hug that just about chokes you and knocks you over at the same time :) 


in the short two weeks that i was there, i witnessed her have two seizures. fear took my breath away the first time that i saw her sprawled out, naked on the concrete with a dazed look in her eyes. she had slipped and fell during bath time, triggering a seizure. my sweet girl is so so sick. 


our time together went by all too fast but was oh so sweet. i am forever grateful to God for allowing me time with this precious treasure again. and one things i am so certain of is this....


i will forever carry esther in my heart. because if i don't...who will? 

[me and esther this year. just a few weeks ago.]

esther, you are treasured. you have a very special place in my heart that is for you and you alone. i will never forget you. i will continue to tell people about you. i love you baby girl, more than you'll ever know. i'm searching for your family, sweet girl. and oh how blessed they will be! 


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will you do me a favor? wherever you are right now...pray for my girl. in december she will be moved to the "big orphanage" where she will never be able to be adopted. pray that a miracle happens. thank you.