Thank you all for the wonderful comments. It means so very much to me knowing that we have so many praying for us. Karleigh Mei is still very unsure of us. She has some good moments, but for the most part she is still "ready to go". We went to the Civil Affairs office this morning and she saw her caregivers again. It broke my heart that she didn't want anything to do with me. She is a stubborn little thing and ran from me...if it wasn't so upsetting to me, it would be comical. Yesterday we tried to go out and explore the city around us, but she started screaming. I'm sure she was yelling, "Help, help....I've been kidnapped!" in Chinese. It wasn't too much fun. We plan on staying in the hotel room most of the day again. It's very hard. Please keep praying for us and this darling little girl. Such a big change for her. As I write, she is standing at the door ready to go again. :o( If anyone has ANY suggestions I would surely take them!! My prayer is that the Lord will continue to work on her little heart, that she would accept us. Also that He would go before us on EVERYTHING. I tried preparing myself for this, but it is so difficult. We are also here in Hubei alone. We have no one else with us. I look forward to Friday when we will meet up with the rest of our group. Friday is not coming fast enough! Thank you again for all of your prayers!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
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29 Love Like Crazy Comments:
Oh Jenn, hang in there! We both know that God who was faithful to bring this trip to fruition will be faithful to heal Karleigh Mei's broken heart! Are you able to access your email? I may have a few suggestions.
I'm praying for you!
Kristi
Jenn and family-Congrats she is so beautiful and precious! Praying for you all! Keep doing what you are doing-interacting and playing-that is all we did in the beginning also. Each day I pray she will warm up to you. Be silly have fun act like a kid-that is what we did with James.
Those hard times are hard, but you know God is there with you and I am confident as you seek Him He will give you all you need. I was amazed at His presence during some hard times in China. I cried a lot..but He gave me strength. Be patient and wait on the Lord (I know that is easier for me to say now...it is hard in China). I will be praying she will open her heart to you more and more each day. One day at a time. Sending love and prayers- Jennifer
Jenn, hang in there. I KNOW it is hard, but this is a GOOD Thing she is so attached to her caregivers. She will attach to you. REMEMBER, you are a stranger to her. You have been longing for her all these YEARS really but she had no idea her world was about to change (even if she had been told she could not have understood what that really meant). BUT YOU KNOW God created her to have you and Karl as her Mama and Baba and in His due time, her heart will completely turn to you. Susannah is just now after 10 weeks (today!) coming to me to be comforted and to sign "I Love You" without me doing it first and/or without being prompted. Don't expect a major breakthrough in China. Just try to meet her where she is and put your feelings down. You have to as hard as it is. You may also have to set some "strict" rules once home about who holds, who comforts, who puts her to bed, etc. I know you have some eager "helpers" at home. Susannah would go to anybody over me at the hospital. The hardest thing I ever did to my sister was tell her she could not hold Susannah at the hospital, but she respected my decision and now she gets to hold her! PLEASE email me if you need to talk about any of this. I am here to listen and I promise I won't give anymore advice unless solicited. I am just trying to ease your mind that this is all NORMAL and actually good for later on. She has lost all she has known for 3 years, even though it wasn't the "best" it was all she knew.
OK, I finished your post and I see you want suggestions. Does she like bathtime or have you tried it yet? One thing that worked for us was not to force the clothes thing, but just to start running the water and let S play over the side of the tub and put the cups in, etc. Within minutes, she was stripping down and wanting to get in! I did not end up getting in with her (bathing suit of course) as some have done but if it works, go for it! Anything like this where you are helping her is good for attachment. In other words, you would not leave her unattended nor would they have, so she will start to see you as her protector. Also, has she attached to Karl at all? If so, make sure you feed her instead of him or vice versa, whichever one she is closer to, let the other do the food.
We never got to take S out in her province until we left the hospital and headed straight to the airport. She was so glad to be out of there she was happy. However, the ONE time we went out in G with her, she FREAKED at the P. Hut. Mimi and I finished and left with her. Charlie stayed as he was not finished eating and needed to pay. She screamed the whole way back to the hotel. If you have to stay i the room, just do it. It is hard though. What about bubbles? Do you have those? If so, you could take those out with you. Is there a park nearby? You know, I would not force going outside with her though. You are doing everything RIGHT I am sure of it. She is just grieving that is all and that is a GOOD thing. Keep reminding yourself of that and just continue to lay your own feelings down for her sake. Before you "invade" her space ( I know that sounds harsh), ask her or tell her "May Mommy kiss your cheek?" and point to it. We STILL do this with S even now. It has worked for us and slowly she has opened up. This works for everything, "May Mommy feed you?" You know the feeding is harder with a 3-year-old b/c they already feed themselves, so I would not "battle" that out in China. If she wants to do that herself, let her. When you get home and introduce different foods to her, she'll let you feed her. I promise as she will be skeptical of some of it. S still does not like pizza. (sniff, sniff)
Let's see, I can't think of anything else right now, but just pray and relax and have fun. I sent you an email yesterday. Did you get it? If so, try that last part as well if you have not. That always reduces stress for all involved! ;)))
Jennifer & Karl, know that we are praying for you. I agree with Kristi, God is faithful and He will heal her heart. She will see His love in you guys. Just keep loving on her and know we are praying for you. And Karl juggling might be a good idea. :-)
Jenn,
Please know I am praying for you. Though Kate was a bit younger, she also had a very hard time adjusting to us. She was so attached to her nanny. When I would go to get her out of the crib in the mornings, she would look at me and shake her head no. She didn't eat hardly anything while in China~ would just shake her head "no" to food and drink. We were barely getting wet diapers. She was grieving hard. We were also in her province by ourselves. It is hard. It will get better; it does get better. Just know you all are being lifted up in prayer by MANY and God IS faithful.
Praying~
Pam
Jenn,
Such great advice from some of your friends here.
Have you tried chocolate yet?
You are not alone. So many of us here, are lifting you up! I am praying specifically for God to break down some of the protective walls that Karleigh has put up.
Bless her heart! And, yours too!
Hugs from very snowy Minnesota!
Diana
Oh, Jenn. You just have to hang on right now. It might take a few days before you are able to see glimpses of the 'real' Karleigh Mei! Know that she might seem stubborn... but right now she is probably terrified! Try not to take anything she does personally, after all, she doesn't even really know you yet! I know that is a tough one for me, not to get my feelings hurt! And just keep on feeding, bathing, interacting with her. Take her shopping, let her choose some clothes, toys and/or food for her own, then use something you know she loves to interact with her (ie. putting on new clothes or hair pretties, if she loves that, or feeding her a favorite food or playing with a new toy) Just remember, the first few days are always the hardest!!! Sleep with her, if she'll let you, carry her, don't put her in a stroller when you go out, anything to encourage attachment.
I'll be praying for you all :)
Jenn
Praying for you here at home in GA!!!! Leslie gave some great advice so I'll leave that to her!! Remember it's only been 2 days! God will work in her heart slowly and in a few days, she'll be different, and in a few weeks...she'll be loving ya'll like crazy...hang in there.
Jenn emailed me and said you cou;dn't get to Lauries site...here is the link
http://web.mac.com/adayinthelife/Site/Blog/Blog.html
hope that helps...praying for you friend!!
Jen
I am praying for you guys and precious Karleigh Mei! Keep your focus on the loss and grieving she is dealing with right now. It's so hard, but remember when we talked about bonding ... she is definitely showing she's had that and that means with time, she will transfer that bonding and attachment right on to you. Take care of her needs and love on her the best you can and what she'll allow. We will be interceding and asking the Lord to show you guys just what Karleigh Mei is processing and how you can parent her and love her through this transition. He is her father ... He knows her, her heart and her fears!
It does break my heart to see that little angel so scared, however, I am confident that soon she will begin to see the Mommy and Daddy we see and will begin to receive the love she so much desires!
Love you guys!
Jenn,
First congratulations! I am so happy that you are with your Karliegh Mei!
Another family JUST returned home with their daughter who is about to turn 5 and they went through the EXACT same thing. I do not have their site but I will look for it. It is a My adoption website and their daughter's name is Vivi. Anyway, everyone prayed and the Mom an Dad were simply patient and persistently loving. Vivi is a different child now and it has only been a few weeks. I know that little Karliegh is grieving the only people who have ever loved her. She is also afraid to turst or love you because every woman she has ever loved her...has left her in her little mind. Finally, if she opens up to you she might see it as a betrayal to her former care givers. Just give her space,but let her know you are there and you will ALWAYS forever be there. I know that my friend finally got through by being very silly (throwing cheerios in the air and catching them in her mouth) and distracting Vivi.
I will pray and I will have others pray too.
Let us know and just love on her the best you can.
Kim
Karl & Jenn~
It is good to hear an update from you. I am sorry yesterday was so trying. It really is normal and even though you're very intelligent, realistic people who knew this could happen, it is still heartbreaking when you're in the midst of it. It is okay and perfectly normal to feel let down or disappointed that you're not getting the love that you feel and want to show (or are showing).
In our small travel group (5), two of the girls were three. There was lots of crying and both were very strong-willed. There is also the frustration of the language barrier. I wonder if there are some jobs you can give her to make her feel excited and proud. That may appeal to her independent nature. It seems like day three is a turning point for many. I am really praying this will be the case for you.
Our faithful God brought you to this journey and will bring you through it. I pray that He will continue to equip you with the wisdom to parent Karleigh Mei. Take comfort in knowing you have many people praying for this wisdom and Karleigh Mei's ability to adjust, bond, and attach.
Love you and do not grow weary~
Don, Lisa, and Lindy
I'm praying for you guys.
My dear friend had the same thing happen to her -her little girl waiting to leave -I will ask her for her suggestions and let you know, she has adopted 4 so she's pretty knowledgeable! :)
Oh Jenn, I know it is hard...Leslie has given some great suggestions, but I know food was a big one for Maggie, as well as the bubbles. She would go from playing with us to totally shutting down when we were out and about. She will come around, just take things slowly.
Hugs and prayers~
We're praying for the grace of God to mend her heart, and bond her heart to you and Karl. Set all expectations aside and keeping working at it. There WILL be a breakthrough in just the right time. Love you guys. cindy
We were united with our daughter just 4 weeks ago yesterday. This was our 2nd adoption and what a difference we saw. Our first daughter did very well adjusting to us, however our newest daughter was another story. They were both 11 months at gotcha day, so yes I know an age difference, but still both their lives changes completely in the blink of an eye. Some suggestions I have would check to see if your hotel has a pool or playroom. That can be hit or miss with her, but worth a try. Ask your guide what goodies you can buy for her at the grocery store. You'll see that the goodies in China are much different then in the U.S. I know there are some small jello type snacks the kids find as treats in China, I mean small, like coffee creamer size.Even though our girls ages are different, I know how you feel somewhat.We were together only hours when I found myself walking the hallways of the hotel with a screaming baby. She screamed less if I walked then if I stood still or walked a small distance in the hotel room. While we were in China it got a little easier, but not too much. But alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel, we have been home since 11-21 and our daughter is so HAPPY! Please know we are praying for all of you.
In His love,
Shannon W.
AWAA Family
Oh Jenn I soooo want to give you a big hug right now. Just thinking though that when you get on that plane and go to a differnt city where the smells are diffent and such Maybe she will need somthing familar to cling to and at that point it will be y'all. Have you tried your carrier. I don't have any BTDT experience as you know, but like most of us we have read a ton of books. Have you tried the bottle feeding method.( I know she is 3 but that's what the books say) Put her in her carrier and carry her around the hotel. Maybe make a game of it where daddy has a candy or something and you and her in the carrier has to go find it. I don't know just throwing stuff out there. I'm sure you have tried everything. Just remember Jenn it's not you she is upset with it's the situation. Just keep showing her all that love and Grace that our Father shows us every day. Even when we push Him away He is still there.
Jenn,
I am praying right now ... we were in our province alone too and it's hard. Know that there are MANY praying for you and your precious little one.
Heather
Time is the best answer to this question, while it isn't the easiest one.
It takes time for her to learn you all are ok, and maybe even better than ok. We are 2.5 months this side and I can't tell you all the differences, just know that every day will get better.
BUBBLES, do you have any??? Baths, Emmi Su loved bath time, even if that was just playing over the side and getting wet! We had a beach ball we threw in the hallways too.
We were alone in province too, so I know it's hard, believe me be thankful you are leaving on Friday we were all alone till the following Tuesday. HARD is an understatement ......... Once you get to GZ the time will fly.
We didn't eat out alot in China, dh went out and brought food back to the room, while it made for some long days, it's what worked for her. Sometimes one of us would go out by ourselves just to get out!
Emmi Su wanted to be with her caregiver on adoption day too, our guide was concerned about me and how I was doing, I told him, this is the last day ever with them, I have her for the rest of her life, I choose not to let this bother me. It's a choice and remember you have her now forever, it's good she wanted to be with them, it means, eventually she'll want to be with you. It may be hard to see it now, but you wait, it will happen.
I second Leslie's advice on when getting home, who can hold her etc.....
Remember each day will get easier and better.
Hang in there! She may not be showing it, but each day her heart will be moving toward you. We are praying for you and that litte girl. My friend always encouraged me when my 2 year old was very stubborn- she said, "The good thing is- when she learns about Jesus, she will be so strong that no one can persuade her in any other direction!"
We can't wait for you to come either, Jenn! Just a few more days. I know it must be difficult to be there alone without feeling the support of other families. I emailed you, but I'm not sure if you received it. Just know that we are praying for you and for Karleigh Mei! See you SOON!
Praying in MN!!
Hold fast, my friend! God is faithful! We are praying and she will come around! Of course I have no experience with this yet...but you can return the sentiment in about 6 months when we're struggling with it! She is beautiful and you guys are amazing!
Jenn, Y'all are doing the right thing. This Baby girl needs a home. No matter how upset she is right now. God knows what is best for her. Let her throw her fits and Love her, Let her push you away and Love her,Let her stand at a door and Love her. It's gonna hurt you to see her hurt. It's gonna hurt that she does not accept you right now. A 3 year old does not know what is best for her. And Jenn Following God sometimes hurts. He never say's it will be easy. How boring would that be if everything was easy. :) Love y'all
Mrs. Gager -
I have been following your blog for a couple weeks now, and I thought it was about time I leave you a message.
I want you to know that I am praying for you constantly. This is such an incredible journey and completely inspiring. I have always dreamed of adopting, and reading your story has been such a blessing.
I can even imagine what sweet little Karleigh Mei is feeling right now, but I firmly believe that God will provide. I pray blessings over you and Mr. Gager while you travel in China, and for your family back home who anxiously awaits your return.
Feel his arms squeezed tightly around you and share His love with His young child.
Camii Yeagley
(I went to SACS with Katie)
Hi, I found your blog through Jeanette. I think she forwarded you my email. First, your daughter is just beautiful!!
I know it's hard, but try not to take her actions as rejection. The very fact that she's having a hard time missing her nannies is a good sign. One day soon she will love you so much!!
You are SO right about not being prepared. No matter how much you read and talk to others about it you can't fully understand how difficult it is until you go through it.
I'm praying for you! You can email me any time. I've done this 4 times so I may have some tips you could use.
~Lynn
Praying for you guys! You have great suggestions here. Hang in there!
Love-
Jennifer
Hi Jenn, I am a friend of Diana's and she sent me a link to your blog. When we adopted Sammy (at four) he tried to run out of the hotel room, fought us,screamed,kicked and carried on for about three hours straight. My Husband and I read Psalms, sang hymns and took turns trying to comfort him. They say the more the child greives, the better the attachment will be later. We are now (18 months later) VERY attached! He is SO loving and bonded. This too shall pass, but I know how hard it is at the time. I came to think of this asour "labor pains". I am sending you a BIG hug, Jill
Have you tried playing with stickers? Put them on your noses and have her take them off, then put them on her nose and do the same thing. It encourages eye contact.
Ditto what everyone else said that every day will get better! Being around your travel mates on Friday will make a WORLD of difference, and being home will be that much better.
Standing with you in prayer,
Elissa
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